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Why "Mom" and "Wife" Are Just Not Enough


An 18-year-old sat in my freshman orientation class. She had wavy, light brown hair, stood about 5 feet tall, and wore her clothing in a pretty, but not flashy, conservative style. Her classmates were taking turns with introductions, talking about where they were from, why they came to Bible college, and where they saw God leading them in the future.

Stephanie was agitated. I noticed she kept staring down at her desk, and that her socially-responsible Tom’s clad foot was wiggling back and forth. When it was her turn to speak, she looked up but cast her eyes down.

“I’m not really called to anything,” she said quietly, shrugging her shoulders. “I just want to be a mom and a wife. Nothing else.”

The group responded positively encouraging Stephanie that her vocation as wife and mother were appropriate and God-honoring. A few of the guys cast her admiring and speculative glances, wondering if perhaps they had just found the perfect wife to complement their pastoral calling.

But, as a wife and mother myself, I was troubled by her answer.

It is true. In one sense, I feel "called" to be a wife. I believe God was instrumental in my decision to marry my husband. Many of our early dates were filled with long, sometimes angsty talks about what we believed and whether or not our views of God and faith were compatible. I feel that God keeps me married. My commitment to Him and to my husband are deeply intertwined. With both, I am called to give of myself, to be more compassionate, to love more fully.

I also feel that motherhood is a deeply holy, God-honoring job. My daughter is one of the best gifts God has ever given me. I feel deeply and sacrificially nurturing to her. Each day she teaches me. I want to model Jesus to her in my conversations and actions, and help her grow to become a woman of God.

Saying I do not feel “called” to my wifely duties probably sounds like a betrayal of my womanhood and an insult to stay-at-home moms. But I don’t mean it that way. I don’t want to send that message. I completely understand how exhausting and also fulfilling full-time mothering (and wife-ing) can be.

Yet, if our entire personal ambition is centered around these relationships (potential or actual), where does it leave us when those relationships no longer exist?

My mom was and is a dedicated and godly wife. Yet, when my dad died and left her alone at age 60, did that mean her calling had ended since she was no longer his“wife”? One of my friends focused her entire life on mothering her children. So when her children moved away, she felt discouraged and even betrayed. What would she do with herself now that her identity as a “mother” was stripped away? Who was she?

I believe God has gifted us to be wives and mothers. Yet, it is not our identity and it should never be seen as the full description of our self worth.

I also do not think we should relegate our sense of worth to our job or vocation. Say you feel “called” to be a lawyer, and then end up being fired or disbarred. Did you misplace your “calling”? Did God misinform you? What about if you train for missionary service and then find no sending agency or fail to raise support? Did you betray your true calling?

Deep within this issue is a misunderstanding of the ideas of calling and identity, ambition and self-worth.
For women, where you are led to serve God may vary dramatically throughout your life time. For many women, their lives are comprised of distinctly different stages. For a time, we are all single. Then, for some, we shift our focus to marriage and perhaps to creating a home. Others may invest themselves wholeheartedly into furthering their career. Still others are absorbed in caring for babies or for an elderly parent. Each time of a woman’s life can look dramatically different. Yet, during each stage, your identity in Christ is not negated, your ambition is not lost. Through each various stage of life, we can keep developing and growing in our God-granted giftedness.

To the 18-year-old who sat in my class, I wanted to shake her shoulders, stare deeply into her eyes and say, “It is wonderful if God blesses you as a wife and mom, but you are so much more.”

Who has God called you to be? What are your gifts that extend beyond the labels of “wife” and “mother”? Are you a giver? A nurturer? A communicator? A visionary? Do you love deeply? Heal wounds? Care for the wounded? Ask hard questions?

God has indeed called each of us and gifted us in unique ways. Our purpose as women surpasses our sometimes temporal roles as mother, daughter, wife, teacher, lawyer, or chef.

We are women of unfathomable riches –daughters of the King who is gifted beyond measure and has much to give.


Refuse to settle for anything less, for finding your value in Christ alone will add meaning and satisfaction to every other role.

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For further reading - As I was completing my blog, I read this other excellent article on a very similar topic in Christianity Today's Hermeneutics! Enjoy: My Kid Is Not My Calling by Sharon Hodde Miller.

Comments

The Butlers said…
Jamie, you address a really important issue of how we identify ourselves. At its root it's not what we do, but who we are in Christ. What we do flows from who we are.

So I don't disagree in essence with what you say, but I see it from a different perspective.

The way I see it, our "callings" are not static. Abraham, for instance, was called out of Ur to become the father of many nations through the child of promise, Isaac. But this calling included Sarah, and once she passed away, Abraham's calling did, too. He remarried and fathered many more who remained outside of this calling and covenant. God placed the calling on Isaac and reaffirmed His covenant with him before Abraham passed away.

That's an example from the Bible, but to me that indicates that a person like your mom, widowed with grown children, will find another calling when the previous season has passed. Same with the missionary or lawyer. The new calling doesn't invalidate the first calling; neither does it invalidate a person's identity up to that point.

That's because calling--or vocation--does not equal identity.

(Identity is life through the Vine, fruit from the Spirit.)

The thought that domestic life is the acme of all vocations is a pretty foreign concept for some of us, and we might assume that someone like Stephanie needs to lift her eyes and expand her horizons. That may have been the case; I don't know Stephanie.

However, for many other young women in that class, it's this concept being so foreign that could have made it very difficult to adjust to being a wife and a mother when the college sweetheart becomes the father of our children. For us, the rosy glow on our future's horizon was of the "sailor-take-warning" variety. The "you're so much more" philosophy fought tooth-and-nail against the "take up the towel" model, at least until we realized:

A calling isn't static, and it doesn't equal identity.

You and I aren't far apart in the discussion. It's just that, on this side of my motherhood experience--which is a lot different from yours, I just wouldn't be so sad for what Stephanie seemed to lack. I wish I'd had a little more of her sense when I was sitting in those desks in Crowell Hall.

But I didn't, because I didn't realize back then that a calling isn't static and that my calling isn't my identity.

[And Blogger tells me in the comment submission form: "Choose an identity." Hahaha! My Google account will do for this purpose. =)]
Kelli said…
I absolutely agree that our identity should not be found in our vocation/"calling." Our identity is first and foremost in who we are in Christ.

I also think, however, that we need to be careful how we use that word--"calling." I think we use it very liberally. We say we are "called" to be a wife and a mom. When what we should probably be saying is "I really want to be a wife and a mom."

To attach the term "calling" to a life's goal sounds suddenly sacred and validating. And it also places a huge expectation upon God to fulfill our desires.

These desires may be good ones. They may be "Godly." But I'm not sure that makes them a "calling."

God may, in His grace, grant those desires. But He may also--for His glory--choose not to. And when He doesn't, as you say, Jamie, that leaves us in quite a quandary.

I haven't done a thorough study of the concept of "calling" in Scripture--though I would like to. But when I think of such clear callings as Moses and Saul/Paul, it seems that God called them to very specific tasks that were NOT in line with their desires. He called them to step out by faith into something completely other and terrifying.

Honestly, I don't know at this point what should qualify as a "calling" and what should not. But I think it merits some discussion and clarification.
Kacie said…
And then there's a secondary problem...

how did she get through the Moody application process with that answer? It at least used to be pretty selective, only taking kids that wanted to go into full-time vocational ministry!

I agree with all you and Sharon had to say. :)
The Butlers said…
Kelli, I think you're on to something important.

Up through the time of Jesus--including Saul/Paul, God would audibly call, and those who heard were expected to obey.

Today obedience in life vocation isn't as tidy as supernaturally hearing the voice of God. I do wonder if the evangelical use of the word "calling" originally capitalized on the concept of obedience--I'm thinking of altar calls and missions conferences here--but I don't think we primarily associate obedience with the word today. Do we? You're probably right when you suggest it's more akin to desire.

Maybe it's because we don't have anything more concrete than the "still, small voice"--in harmony with God's Word--to guide us. As far as life vocation is concerned, we probably end up confusing desire with calling.

Obedience is ennobling, though, so when we do have the confidence that we are where God wants us, I think we are correct to think of our life work as a "calling": the word does, as you say, reflect the fact that our life in Christ before God is sacred and validating.

For instance, I never felt "called" to be a homeschooling mom, yet for many reasons, here I am. I am grateful for the work that God has done in our lives through this, and I do see my work with them as sacred. I understand it to be my calling... for now. (But almost as soon as they all have their diplomas, I get to discover my new calling, mwahahaha! By then, another one will hopefully be obvious: I have a few options I might like to choose from. =) )

The key, in my mind, is for us to be faithful with what God has given us, wherever God has placed us, giving Him the glory for all He does through us.

Interesting discussion. I'll continue to be following...
Hi Jamie,

Thanks so much for writing this. This topic has been rattling around in my mind for a long time and I've never found a satisfactory resolution to my wrestling. I appreciate your insights. They help me a lot.

I'm involved with a leadership development program and one of the questions often asked there is "what do I do?" or "What's your career?" I really dislike this questions because it feels so incomplete to say I'm a wife and mom. I believe very much this is where I need to be right now and yet pieces of me are deeply longing to be validated and put to use. I don't care what title that has so much as it fulfills the desires in my heart to love others well, to be helpful to those in crisis, and to find the beauty in the old and broken. Like you said it has a lot more to do with our identity in Christ. For me, thinking through this issue has had a lot to do with viewing my life through a mission, vision, purpose of my life lens, rather than titles and labels. Those are useful and have their place and I have no intention of dismissing those. Yet somehow they don't quite get to the essence of who someone is and what they're about.

There's lots to talk about here and I really appreciate your thoughts about this. Thanks for being willing to write about this as it can be quite a sensitive subject. Thank you for being an example of what you believe.

Jenn Aardsma
Jamie Janosz said…
Pam, Kelli, Kacie and Jenn - Thank you for your thoughtful and provocative comments. Kacie - I had the exact same thought about how she entered Moody - although perhaps that was why I pushed the question. (I can assure you that the application process is as rigorous as ever). Perhaps it was because of this that I wanted to know not why she should be something "other" than wife and mother - but what instigated her to go on to college, particularly Bible school. It seems she must have had some instinct that God desired to use her life in a unique way. I also agree with each of you that the words "calling" and "identity" need much more explanation. They get mixed up with our desired vocation - paid or unpaid - and I think that gets us into trouble. It's not also the same as our ambitions. What we want most in life might not happen at all - and it might not be a part of God's plan. What then? I see some danger, in particular, when all of our dreams are tied up in what our relationship will be to someone else - whether as a wife or as a parent. I was urging women, of every age and every stage of life, to realize that God created them, uniquely and wonderfully, and that they have so very much to give, both inside and outside of these key relationships.

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